He finally said it

I came home from my class at the gym last night and Chad was holding Liam, who was understandably getting a bit cranky, seeing as that bedtime was fast approaching and he hadn’t napped in almost 3 hours. (He’s getting to an age now where he is settling in for one longer morning & afternoon nap, and a more solid night’s sleep, rather than catnapping all day every couple of hours.) I had told Chad that I would put him to bed once I got home.

Chad handed Liam to me, and as he did so Liam perked up and gave me a cute little grin. And that’s when Chad said it.

He likes you more than he likes me.

I don’t know when I started thinking this way, but it’s been several weeks at least – I’ve been waiting for those words to come out of Chad’s mouth. And I don’t mean that in an I’m-better-than-you kind of way.

When Liam was six or eight weeks old, I feel like I really hit a turning point with him. I started to get him. I might not always agree with what he wanted but at least I knew what he wanted, and that was getting somewhere. When someone would come over and hold him, and he would cry, I could suggest holding him a different way instead, and the tears would, more often than not, stop. I could predict when would be a good time to take him out to run errands and when that was just asking for it. I didn’t always enjoy pacing the floor with him at 3 a.m., but I knew it was the most surefire way to get him to sleep. This ‘getting him’, no doubt, makes him a happier kid – and therefore makes him happy to see me.

What Chad was forgetting was that this had come after spending a solid two months with Liam. I mean, round the clock, including many more wee-hours-of-the-morning than I think he realized. Of course I was going to figure Liam out sooner – I had had that much more opportunity to get to know him. Once Chad had logged that same number of hours/feedings/diaper changes/whatever, I fully expected him to know those things, too. Silly me, I tried to help Chad get there faster – making suggestions about things – saying “I think Liam likes it better when…” – and I don’t think doing that helped with Chad’s confidence and in fact, I’m pretty sure it was annoying. I try more now to let him figure things out on his own. Who knows, maybe he’ll discover something I still don’t know. Whatever the case, I figured there would probably come a time when Chad would get frustrated and feel left behind and blurt something like that out. I figure it probably happens to most families when the mom is home on mat leave and the dad is still working 9 to 5. And it really won’t end at least until I’m back at work and we’re logging a more equal number of hours with him.

What I don’t think I will ever be able to get across to Chad is how much it means to me and to please let me enjoy it while it lasts. I am going to revel in the fact that Liam loves me and that although he loves Chad too, yes, maybe I am his ‘special person’ right now. Because it won’t always be this way. I have watched enough Dr. Phil and heard enough radio talk show psycho-babble to know that the biggest influence in a boy’s life is his father. The older he gets, the less we’ll have in common and the more he will turn to Chad to get what he needs. And of course, that just kills me. To know that I’m the one who’s going to be left behind in the end. I know people say that boys hold a special place in their hearts for their moms, but I don’t think that plays out on a day-to-day basis the same way their interactions with their fathers do. And I know that it happens to one parent or the other, inevitably, and it’s just luck of the draw whether it was going to be me or Chad. And yes, long before we had that ultrasound, I did really wish for a boy. So I knew what I was setting myself up for.

I figure I have a couple of years, tops, before Chad usurps my position as Liam’s #1 Hero. That time will be here before I know it. So for now I am going to take great pleasure in Liam’s attachment to me (while trying not to be too smug about it) – because I know it will end long before I want it to.